Personality, or the lack thereof. (and the bear for brian.)

He had always lacked a sense of general direction in his life. For as long as he could remember he had been open to suggestion, too open. There were moments in his life he could point to when he had formed what he considered convictions. There was a base he could refer to, some sort of general belief system, but it was broad enough to be able to adjust to any situation. There had always been an envy in his heart about people who didn’t waver, never giving in to another’s point of view; someone who knew what they believed and stuck to it.
There were moments that this had gotten him in situations he knew were going to hurt, were going to be painful, and wrong. He had picked up habits this way, habits that controlled his life in one way or another. He felt he lacked a personality. Picking elements of every other personality that he liked and could see the charm or a sense of genuineness that he craved so badly and applying it to himself. He had always wondered where this had come from. Why he felt he needed to make certain adjustments to fit the company he was with, fit the personalities he was surrounded with at any given moment. Could it be the divorce of his parents, something that had forced him to be one person with his mother and one person with his father? Could it have been earlier than that? Having many different types of friends when he was younger, did he learn that in order to be everyone’s friend he had to be many different people in order to make everyone happy? “There’s just no way to know.” He thinks to himself. He wondered if maybe everyone was this way to a certain extent. Could it be that he was so self-aware that he understood what he was doing more than most people.
He had heard a television program once about something called “ high self moderators”. These are the people who are so aware of what other people’s personalities in a certain group of people or even one on one that they could adapt themselves so well that you would never know that they weren’t at all similar. On the surface this isn’t a problem, in fact these people tend to be very successful because they are able to sell themselves, able to make most people like and generally trust them. The problem comes when these people find themselves alone. They don’t know what they like and enjoy themselves. They’ve always borrowed everyone else’s personality traits. Essentially there is no “them”, no “you”. If there were no one around to pace or borrow from, who would they be?
This had always been the problem with him. He melded well with all different kinds of people and felt safe when they surrounded him. The problem came when he was alone. He’d sit and try to think up a personality to be, all the likes and dislikes that a certain personality would have if they were so and so. It had always been this way as long as he could remember. This presented a problem in relationships that required him to have a personality that wasn’t just on the face of things. When dealing with romantic relationships everything could be taken to a certain point, then he sensed that they were able to get the idea that the entire time that they had been courting that this was just a sales pitch, that he had been adjusting his personality to their needs and likes. Once this was realized, all of these relationships ended. There was nothing inside to love or even hate. Most people think they want to find someone like himself or herself in a romantic relationship. He knew that this wasn’t true. If it were, he’d be the ultimate catch being that he became the person he was with. And then the bear came.