No Answer

The computer screen flickers bright and clear. Saturday afternoon has become saturday night. The short nap in the afternoon sucked all the time I counted on having. It was perfectly clear. I'd done this to myself. There was no avoiding or passing the blame. Waking, I found my phone on the bed next to me. Only three hours. Only three hours for a nap that I had planned on spending a half an hour. It was the difference between waking up and finding something to do and waking up and going to 7-11 to buy tea and food to last the night. The bare essentials to survive a night at home spent watching movies and sitting on social networks wishing I was out with the rest of the world.
My feet rest square on the rug jutting out from beneath my bed. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and try to refocus on the task at hand. Baby steps. Baby-step, stand up. Baby-step, go get a glass of water. Baby-step, have a cigarette. Visions of Bill Murray inside his tiny cramped apartment talking to his fish and the mental anguish that plagued his character flash inside my brain. Could this be me in 10 years? 10? Who am I kidding, with the way tonight turned out it's likely to be five. Oh, well. Such is life.
Baby-step, find my keys. Baby-step, find my shoes. I could see myself doing this for the rest of the night. Wandering around my apartment completing baby-steps to an end goal that didn't even exist. Insanity, they say, is doing the same thing and expecting different results. I don't know why this comes to mind right now, but it makes perfect sense.
They say that dissent into madness takes time. They say it is a slow and meandering process by which a person finds themselves at the end of path they didn't even know they were on. I know that my dissent into madness was short, it was something I saw, a path I knew all too well that I was on. My dissent into this so-called madness began on a certain day a little over a year ago. It was the point from which everything that I am spins off of. The center of the insanity that is my universe. I'd been on this path for what seemed like an eternity. I know I just said it had only been a year but that'd be putting too much blame or credit depending, into one thing.
The cigarette calmed my wandering mind a little. Still thinking about all the possibility that had been thrown away and the disappointment that followed. I open the door to my apartment and walk down the halls to my room and find my bed once again. All I crave is contact. All I want is some sort of human interaction. I find my phone again. Baby-step, find someone. Baby-step, make contact. Baby-step, get out of this apartment. Baby-step, evolve. Baby-step, be the solution instead of the problem. No answer.